Parenting Is A Choice

I get it…the title itself could be framed as a debate question that one person could argue with someone else about until the end of time. My goal for this article isn’t to get into the nuances of every person’s journey to parenthood. I’m sharing my own journey with you, along with some of the lessons I’ve learned and choices I’ve made along the way. For starters, I didn’t grow up dreaming of my wedding day or having children. It wasn’t until I felt I had met the right man - (spoiler alert - he WASN’T) - did the thought of children ever cross my mind. In my 20s, I was never one to judge strangers, friends or relatives for having children out of wedlock. I just knew I never wanted to be a statistic. I did eventually achieve my goal of only bearing children during wedlock, but it’s a price I paid dearly for in retrospect. As naive as it may be, I initially had a preference for having a son over a daughter; because I didn’t know how to do hair and didn’t want to learn! My perspective on childrearing was definitely through the lens of a person who had no clue about what it takes to bear and raise a child. 

The Shortest Fertility Journey There Ever Was

The first hurdle I encountered on my path towards parenthood was fertility treatment. I didn’t pursue it because we had spent more than one year trying. I just wanted to speed up the process to prevent a long wait. I recognize the privilege I had to approach parenthood that way. Fertility treatment opened my eyes up to the struggles of other couples and individuals. You want to hold space and compassion for their stories, yet it’s hard to do that without transference of their worries into your own psyche regarding your fertility issues and what the future holds for you. Having a failed IUI put a damper on my spirit for a time, and I essentially had no emotional support from my husband. (Side note, please give me grace; many things happened in my first marriage that were unforgivable, yet I tried to practice radical forgiveness as the Minister’s bride). Luckily for us, we discovered on our own that timing was our fertility issue. One ovulation meter later, we were pregnant shortly before covid hit the globe. It only took 2-3 months of trying. All in all, when I think about the initial choices I made versus mistakes, one mistake I definitely made back then during my marriage was failing to thoroughly explore my husband’s beliefs and expectations about childrearing, as we would clash multiple times about such over the years. That’s the biggest tip I would give any person - discuss childrearing practices with your partner before you start trying to conceive or adopt! 

What Will The Baby Inherit?

The second hurdle I recall that activated my parenting choices was being informed back then by my husband that there was a possibility of any children we had together inheriting his family’s blood disorder. I did my research on the condition and medical treatment for it, and decided it was worth the risk. Yet I’ll admit, something spoke to my spirit. Even though it was only a 25% chance of transmission, I just knew the baby girl inside me would inherit the illness. Doctors confirmed such at 5 months of pregnancy. I knew this would negatively impact her life in significant ways, but there were viable treatment options and a cure was emerging; so I had hope. I had never, ever considered terminating my pregnancy due to this. It was unwarranted in the doctors’ eyes and mine. Though, did I meet at least one ill-informed person who spoke out of turn to me about it in a geneticist’s medical office waiting room one day and I had to restrain myself from speaking my mind? Oh yes, that definitely occurred. 

You Won’t Understand Parenthood Until You’re A Parent

So to fast forward a bit, my daughter was a “covid baby.” We spent most of her first two years indoors, and by the end of her first year on earth - I was divorcing her father by choice. Not having emotional support during my pregnancy and shouldering all the costs of newborn supplies was a mere fraction of why I left. Without getting into specifics, let me just say that my opinion is - women seldom leave happy, healthy marriages with small children; unpack that information as you will. To note, it’s true what they say - parenting a child changes everything. There is no amount of preparation you can do to understand the reality of such. I won’t even say it changes your life for better or worse; it just makes everything different and uniquely beautiful in a way one can never have anticipated. There are several therapy clients I’ve had over the years that I can remember for different reasons. But one person has always stood out. At some point in the early days of my career before I had met my ex-husband, I was teaching mandated parenting classes to people involved with Child Protective Services. One woman leaned across my desk one day and said “you don’t have kids yet, so you don’t understand.” That statement sat with me for years because I took offense. My inner thoughts were e.g. “I have all these book smarts and I can help your family because of my training etc. How could you insult me this way!” I was really good at teaching those classes, but I wasn’t a mother yet. Today, I understand her perspective 1000%. 

Should I adopt?

My daughter’s first few years were amazing, though it was quite difficult to heal from all that her father had done in our young marriage whilst having to learn how to co-parent with him effectively. I threw myself into work and getting my doctoral degree as a distraction. While I’m glad she’s too young to remember those sacrifices I made, I do have some regrets. Many days and nights, I could’ve played with her more for sure instead of typing or reading.. Like any remorseful parent, she doesn’t know today that I have been trying to make it up to her ever since. Needless to say, life took a left turn for me. No one gets married thinking they’ll be divorced one day. So as I navigated single parenthood, I remembered my first parenting dream: having a son. I told myself that if I hadn’t remarried to the right man by age 40, I would adopt. I even took a few informational classes for foster parents. However, as independent as I was, 50/50 custody with an unhealed man, working full-time and owning a business had some difficult moments. I decided not to subject my daughter to the strain and adjustment of a new child in the house given our dynamics. I had to be realistic with myself about my bandwidth to raise two children alone. That was definitely a dream-killing, sad realization. 

The Universe Works In Queer Ways

Despite living through that chapter, I didn’t know what was ahead for me. I can attest that life works in very mysterious, queer ways. Eventually I met my wife, we fell in love and married very quickly. She had two grown sons and a little boy that was exactly my daughter’s age. Just like my daughter, this little boy changed my life too. If you think you can’t grow to love a child that isn’t biologically yours, I promise you that you can! Love may come innately for a child that you birth by blood, but choosing to love a child that’s not yours is a testament to the expanse of your heart. 

The Boy Who Changed My Life

Now when I say parenting is a choice, let me tell you about my son. Had I never met my wife and just met him instead - he is the boy I would have adopted in a parallel universe of my life’s story. My son was born premature and drug addicted due to the habits of both birth parents. We don’t know a lot about his biological or familial history. He may not have needed saving, but my wife stepped up to the plate when he was 2 months old. He came into my life at 5 years old. From his talents and skills to his personality, he and my daughter are polar opposites. They both are teaching me new things daily about parenting. 

Parenting Insights You Should Memorize!

In thinking about my two kids in this very moment, here are my biggest insights about parenting: 

- Unlearn all the toxic behaviors you inherited from your parents, as most are unhelpful and unnecessary. For me, I had to learn to stop using yelling as a frequent communication tool. I don’t respond well to being yelled at myself, so why subject my children to it? 

- Children should not have to earn safety and having their basic needs met for food, clothing, shelter, positive regard and educational enrichment. These are all necessities, not privileges! 

- While I validate cultural differences, societal norms and the history of different countries and ethnicities as a Black woman, I’m a firm believer that nothing should be “passed down” to children except resilience. The research is out there that with ample structure and disciplined dynamics/routines - children need less punishment. If spankings are your only corrective tool, it becomes ineffective. A child is better off with a mixture of praise, redirection, teachable lessons, healthy communication, and age appropriate teachings to mold their behaviors- instead of corporal punishment. Praise is vital to their self-concept and self-esteem from a very young age. Negative reinforcement, emotional coldness and verbal volatility from a likely unhealed parent will simply create an unhealed child. Plus nowadays, the line is thinner between corporal punishment and abuse anyway. 

- Don’t expect children to be miniature versions of you. You can and should raise kids with all the positive guidance and morals that you can to build strong character within them. Do what you can to prepare them for the world. But you have to understand and accept that you can raise multiple children with the same loving, firm hand - and they all turn out differently. If you cannot accept that, you probably shouldn’t have children. We are obligated to love them unconditionally. 

- There is no one way or perfect way to parent, but there are hundreds of wrong ways to do it. 

You Only get 18 Summers With Them, So Make Memories Often

Overall, I still have more than 10 years of active parenting to do before my children transition to emerging adulthood. By then, parenting simply takes on a different format. As I said, I’m still learning daily, but consider this advice I received when I was pregnant with my daughter: “you only get 18 summers with them.” When you look at things through that lens, it doesn’t seem like a lot of time at all! Thus, be intentional with making memories with your kids. Remember that children often see all, and know all. There’s not much you can hide from them. Try to be a do-as-I-do parent, and not a do-as-I-say parent. As we all continue to learn as parents and caregivers, give yourself grace during tough moments and love your children harder than you did the day before.

All in all, when it comes to having, loving & supporting kids - choose wisely!