Healthy Relationships Take Intentional Communication

Welcome back!

I hope you’ve had the opportunity to check out some of my recent reels across my social media pages. While I have been focused on introducing myself and describing the extent of my expertise, I felt it necessary to dive into discussing relationships. In this age of social media, we have been inundated with relationship/dating content. That likely feels normal for many of us, and the unfortunate reality is that some content is harmful in various ways or ill-advised by professionals like myself. My goal in writing and creating content is to inject some gentle guidance into the fold that is healthy and hopefully - that it helps someone.

When it comes to relationships and couples, far too many times over the years - couples have come to me for support when they are on the brink of separation. Sometimes, couples therapy was deemed as their final mutual act of rescuing the relationship. Others may have just wanted help navigating various issues. Some were sadly relative strangers despite having shared meaningful years together.

Across hundreds of couples and many years in practice, I've noticed a few distinct patterns and similarities. While every couple requires different tools and support, I often highlight some key tips to help them rebuild a healthy relationship and restore love. These same key principles can be foundational elements for newer couples to help foster a healthy dynamic as well.

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So whether you’re single or dating, here are my best tips for having a healthy relationship:

Respect Matters More Than Love

Once partners begin regarding each other or communicating in a toxic, unkind way, that dynamic becomes normalized and plays a role in causing other aspects of the relationship to fall apart over time. Partners must calmly and objectively stop disrespect in its tracks. Indeed, we're all human; saying something unkind out of frustration or annoyance can definitely be a mistake. But if it's not addressed, it becomes a choice. Then it becomes a pattern. Then it becomes normal. The longer that disrespect lives alongside love, the harder it is to recover from it.

Never stop courting your partner

Never stop dating them. Never stop doing the work that made them feel special in the beginning. Never stop being thoughtful. Never stop prioritizing them. Small acts and grand gestures help keep relationships healthy and they cultivate ongoing emotional bonding and positive regard.

Have a weekly communication check-in...maybe even two!

The family schedule, appointments, obligations, finances, praising each other, constructive feedback, upcoming plans, concerns, hopes, desires etc. - whatever the topic of discussion is - be fully present and engaged with your partner.

Employ active listening skills. Ask questions that go underneath the surface.

"How was your day" should be the "floor" of your efforts; strive for the ceiling with consistent, meaningful communication.

Always look for opportunities

Always look for opportunities to brighten their day and lessen their load. If you are intentional with prioritizing your partner's happiness and well-being, it is more likely that they'll reciprocate the same behavior. Be cognizant of all the forms of labor that they contribute to your relationship and show appreciation. To note, be sure that you are expressing love and gratitude within the parameters of your partner's love language[s], not your own! Thus, if your partner greatly values quality time, they are likely to appreciate engaging in an activity with you much more than simply knowing you took over their chore to mow the lawn.

Balance active and passive quality time

Although there are a variety of the proverbial love languages, quality time is simply put - hella important! Bonding with your partner, laughing with your partner, learning with your partner, traveling with your partner…it all falls under the umbrella of quality time.

Now, I consider quality time to be passive if two people are in the same room doing different activities. That’s actually better than no quality time at all. However, intentional time spent to be engaged with one another - planned or not - will keep partners attuned to each other. To be intentional means create meaningful rituals together or find a hobby you both enjoy. For couples who are parents, time without the kiddos is just as important as family outings and experiences. If you live in the same house, passive quality time is guaranteed. So put forth effort regularly to spend time with your partner and be focused solely on them. More so, be fair to one another - take turns having outings or experiences together that your partner really loves; even if it’s not your favorite thing to do…remember - you’re spending time with your favorite person!

Never stop growing as a person

I often tell people, if you want to work on your relationship, you have to work on yourself.

Sure, life has phases and chapters with monotonous themes. Many of us develop routines for our daily life while we are perhaps parenting children of certain ages and working to provide for ourselves and our loved ones. One key way to keep your relationship from becoming stale is to remember self-reflection. Being introspective is a stepping stone to creating change in your life. Do you have a new hobby you wish to explore? What feels different about this birthday versus 5 years ago? What are the next steps in your career? Is there a person you owe an apology to? What is that task or project you've been procrastinating on? Even when life feels stagnant and monotonous, we are changing daily on a cellular level. We age by the millisecond. Our bodies and minds experience changes over time and we can’t prevent such from occurring. Make the change process meaningful to you by ensuring you often take time to reflect. Seek new ways to enjoy life and then share that enjoyment with your partner. With self-reflection and introspection, there's always a new topic to bring to your communication check-ins with your partner!

Don't be afraid to ask for help

If things just don't feel like they used to or new problems arise in your relationship, strive to discuss your concerns with your partner. Your pastor, priest, rabbi or therapist is never a bad option to seek support from. In my opinion, it's usually best to shield your loved ones from every minor disagreement that arises. It’s important to understand though that your religious leader occupies a different role in your life than a therapist would, and that support comes with uniquely different expertise and boundaries. Whatever path you choose for guidance, let your help-seeking behavior lead the way - because relationship problems seldom disappear on their own.

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While there’s a myriad of other tips and tools I plan to share over time, the aforementioned is a healthy launch pad. These tips can be easily mastered by individuals and couples with earnest effort and open communication. Now despite years of clinical practice with hundreds of couples - my disclaimer remains the same: what I suggest is merely guidance and not "gospel." Take from this post whatever resonates with you the most and put it into practice with your partner. Good intentions usually yield positive results. If that is not the outcome you experience however - well then you've simply stumbled upon an indicator that change is needed in your relationship; and maybe even within yourself. Don’t ignore that newfound wisdom. Be actionable to cultivate the relationship you deserve to have and the version of yourself that you desire to be.

Be well and stay safe.

Dr. I